Sarah’s Birth
(I wrote this in my journal on my bed the days after her
birth. I edited a little bit of it
since and added details as I remembered them)
All the while I am
eating all I can- turkey bagel sandwich, crackers – and drinking tons of
water. I also would lie down when
I felt tired because I needed to pace myself as Chris (my midwife) advised.
We knew it was going
to be a long haul so I needed to get as much rest and food to preserve my
energy. And am I sure glad I did!
Between going to the
park and finally arriving at the Birth Center we went to QFC and stocked up on
good food- Pirate’s Booty, Cheez-its, Peanut butter cliff bars…mmm.
I remember having a
contraction in the freezer section at QFC, then in front of the chase branch
office. Michael would just stay by
me and help me feel like I was doing a great job. People may have seen what was going on because I would be
totally hunched over and kind of swaying my hips. I didn’t make as much noise, though, during contractions in
public.
For every contraction
Michael was there and aware. At
the beginning I’d have one and be kind of quiet breathing, waiting relaxing. Then when they got stronger I started
the moaning noises or low and deep “uhhhs.”
One time, when I was
on the ground in the dining room having a contraction he started to rub my back
and hips like we’d practiced- quickly I realized I didn’t want anyone touching
me. I told him I loved him but
would rather he not touch me during contractions. He was not offended. I told him it helped just to have him
close by, so that’s what he did. * Thank you Michael for meeting my every need
with so much love and understanding!
I will be forever grateful to you for being by my side figuratively and
literally through the whole labor and birth process.
He was so good at
timing the contractions and not saying anything if it wasn’t as long as the
last or if the time in between them had changed. That way I could stay mentally focused on getting through
each contraction instead of worrying about my progress. I don’t think I worried about how I was
progressing once. That was a
choice I had made and one Michael had apparently made from the beginning.
From the beginning of
labor (~4 AM, July 31st) we both just enjoyed our time
together. We stayed calm and
remembered that sometimes contractions come and go without it being the real
thing.
My parents got home
from church and when my mom asked if we were anxious and didn’t want to have to
wait, both of us looked at each other and shook our heads “no.” We weren’t in a rush. I knew she would come when she and I
were both ready.
Then I just focused on
resting pretty much, and getting through each contraction, one at a time. (Mom and Dad went to Mike and Melissa’s
for dinner).
Once the contractions started to be at least 4 minutes apart,
lasting at least 1 minute for about an hour we knew we needed to call my
midwife, Chris. This was around
11:30 pm.
We were on the phone
with Chris for at least 15 minutes.
I answered what seemed like TONS of questions and some of them I
answered repeatedly. I didn’t get
frustrated, though. Chris stayed
on the phone during contractions and coached me through them, telling me to
relax and let my bum go soft and everything go soft. Michael would hold the phone near me so I didn’t have to.
This all happened on the floor on my side of our bed in the guest room at my
parent’s house.
Once she established I
was at the point in labor I needed to be before coming into the birth center,
we got off the phone and started to leave. Getting to the car took a while (a LONG while says Michael (: ). I kept getting contractions and needing
to stop and breath and relax through them (on the way down the stairs, by the
door, just outside the car) Talking to Michael now, he kept thinking “Why don’t
you just get in the car and then you can go through your contractions in there
and we’ll get to the birth center quicker!” Good thing he didn’t say that, or
else I wouldn’t have felt so supported! It’s definitely not that simple.
Finally we got in the
car around 12:15 am. The car drive was surreal. The stars were so bright; it was an absolutely beautiful
night. I remember thinking how beautiful this night was that my daughter would
be born. I called Siri once we got
in the car. I felt her concern and
sincerity immediately after we began speaking. She said she’d get ready and be to the birth center right
away. Now, I had never talked to her before. She was my “back-up” doula because Mandy was out of town
that weekend and I was still a week before due date not expecting to have my
baby. So to be like this when a
stranger (she knew she was my “back-up” doula though) calls you at 12:15 am
when you’re tired because you have kids of your own is amazing!
We pulled into the
birth center and Chris pulled in right after. I threw up a couple times (which could have been a sign of
“transition”) on the cement and in the dirt right outside door, oops!
We got inside and I
immediately started taking my clothes off. Michael got out my bathing suit tops and asked which I
wanted to wear and I just shook my head and said neither. I didn’t even want to think about
putting clothes on my achy, shivery, and ready to explode body. I wasn’t thinking about the videos and
pictures that would be taken and how I wouldn't be able to show them to anyone
because I’d be buck naked in them all.
Next time I’ll definitely wear a sports bra so I can show my kids and
anyone else that would find it helpful.
During the preparation I saw more than a few natural births including
that of my natural birth teacher’s 3rd child. It REALLY helped and got me excited to
watch these.
Chris “checked” me
right away and I was at 6 cm. She
could tell I was progressing quickly and so we did the normal tub instead of
the big pool… a choice that proved to be best anyways.
About 5 minutes passed
and the tub was ready for me. I
got completely naked and got in.
The contractions in the tub were nice because I would just float and
look at Michael and he’d help me not go under the water. My head was rested on a small pillow on
the side that Chris gave me.
Michael remained with
me the whole time.
After a few
contractions I started to grunt and Chris asked if I felt like pushing. I
responded, “I don’t know, how does that feel?” “Like you have to poop.” She said. After a few minutes I must have felt that way because I said
yes. Michael then asked if I
wanted him in the tub and I said I wasn’t sure if there was room. He assured me there was and then got on
his swimsuit and got in the tub with me.
He sat behind me with his legs around me to give me as much room and
provide as much support as he could.
It was so nice having him there, especially during the pushes when I
needed to get as much leverage as possible squatting and leaning back.
My mom, Michael’s mom,
a midwife in training and my doula substitute, Siri, were also in the
beautifully decorated, earth toned and dimly lit birthing center room. I believe mine or Michael’s mom could
have provided the support I needed- my mother had 4 children naturally and
coached other natural births, even home births- but I felt most comfortable
just having them in the room. I
wanted them to witness the life-changing event because I love them so much but
for some reason my comfort of their involvement didn’t extend past them sitting
close by. I’m grateful they
understood and were happy just to be there.
My first push I threw
my head back and pushed hard against the tub wall and let out noise as I
pushed. It was almost like I was
doing what I’d seen in the movies, it was the only way I knew how to push. Somehow, in all my hours of studying
and preparing, how to push correctly and effectively never sank in. So, right there in the tub Chris gave
me a pushing crash course. She
told me to put my chin down and hold in the breath so that all energy from my
push went to getting Sarah out and not to making noise or extending my neck and
head. My body was curled, in a
way, once I put my chin down. From
the top of my head to my bottom was a c-curve, like I’d practiced a lot in my modern
dance classes.
From then on I did
pretty well at pushing effectively… so well that my face would turn bluish
purple (says my mom) and I often wondered if my head would burst or pop
off. During some of the pushes and
the breaks in between pushes I thought about the name “Sarah”. This happened three times. I know now
that I was being prepared to make our final decision on our baby girl’s name.
In between pushes I
would relax and it would get really quiet. Michael would replace the cold cloth on my face. I loved that time because it was so
peaceful. I even started to sing
or hum, I can’t remember, during one of those quiet times. Something important I should mention is
that the birth center was SO conducive with a peaceful and quiet birth. I believe it would be conducive with
any kind of birth except for a high-stress and completely uncomfortable
one. I was so happy. I started to cry because I was so
happy. At another point I said, “I
need people to tell me everything is going to be OK.” And everyone confidently
reassured me it would. But, for
the most part, I knew it would be and I could feel God’s love and power very
strongly throughout the birth.
I never felt like I
was “out of my body” but looking back, what I accomplished was miraculous-
meaning God worked through me, gave me the will, strength, energy to push and
get Sarah out and not give up until she was on my chest- which, by the way, was
the best/coolest feeling in the whole universe!!!! Two words that might describe how it felt are peace and
goodness, even perfection.
Everything felt completely right.
Michael and my marriage felt so right. Me being a mother felt so right. Everyone that was there and
helping me felt so right. Having our
baby girl in our arms felt so so so right.
Throughout the pushing
Chris would check the baby’s pulse with a tool she could stick in the water and
on my belly. Near the end, when
Sarah’s head was getting squished the most in the canal, her heart rate would
drop and Chris would take on a serious face and remind me to breathe as deeply
as possible in between pushes.
She’d keep the tool on my tummy and I would breathe as deeply as I could
until the little pitter-patters of her heartbeat were closer together. I remember never caring more about
anything in my life than helping my baby have a normal heart rate while she was
making her way down the birth canal so she could end up healthily in my arms,
right there in that peaceful spot in the Birth Center. The thought came more than once that If
I could keep a good breath and help her get the oxygen she needed then I could
deliver her right there in the birth center and avoid having to get out of the
tub, into a car and drive to the nearby hospital to deliver her. I had decided to not be devastated if
that had happened but still I wanted to avoid it. Gratefully, she did get the oxygen she needed and maintained
a normal heart rate.
I continued to push
with each contraction. I ended up
needing to get on my feet and squat and push for a while. It became an art, the moment I learned
the best way to push; at the first signs of a contraction I would rip the cloth
of my face, get on my feet in a squatting position and give it everything I had
and some. Eventually little
Sarah’s head was out enough that it didn’t go back in between the contraction
and we could touch it. I could
feel her cute little head and hair. That was incredible and provided all the
motivation I needed to finish pushing her out. I knew I needed to be patient with my body, though, and only
push when I felt a contraction.
A contraction came and
I pushed and out came her whole head.
The only reason I knew it was because Chris told me. Because she hadn’t hit air, she could
have been in the water for minutes and been OK. It’s incredible what our bodies
do. The chance to push came and I
barely pushed when the rest of her body slid out. That felt kind of crazy. It was like my body was saying, “Well, you got her head out,
now here’s the rest of her!!”
Immediately her whole
self was on my self. She was so
little. She was a little blue and
a little goopy but not bad… the water had cleaned her off a bit. I remember seeing her little face and
almost dying of happiness. Michael
was still behind me, as he had been this whole time, and could see her over my
shoulder and hold her from behind me.
Chris and the assistant put a little pink and blue hat on her head right
away and kept a warm towel on her body to keep her temperature safe, but we got
to sit there and hold her for what seemed like an hour but was actually about
10 minutes or so. In that 10
minutes we heard her for the first time, such a little voice that we fell in
love with. It was when the tub was too red from my bleeding that we got out.
When people ask Michael if that grossed him out to be in that tub with me he
just shrugs… he’s the best!
I got into the shower that
was right next to the tub and sat with the showerhead in my hands spraying
water on my face and my body, rinsing myself off and renewing myself
physically. It was in the shower
that I realized that my body was my own, again. I didn’t have a little peanut inside of me anymore... it was
just me. Since then I’ve learned that my body would hardly ever be my
own after having kids, forever bearing evidence that I carried them and nursed
them.
My energy was pretty
low. I had just given birth and
pushed hard for an hour and a half!
I had to have help from the shower to the bed.
The room was so
beautiful. During the contractions
in the tub, the pushing and then the recovery, the birth center provided a
calming and home-like atmosphere I was so comfortable in and grateful for.
As my mom and others
helped me to the bed to rest and receive stitches I walked by Michael who was
holding Sarah on his bare chest.
He looked like he was in heaven.
As is a baby’s instinct, she was using her little lips and head to make
her way to his nipple and trying to latch, we all got a kick out of that! I was just grateful he had her and
happy to take a moment to myself.
On the bed, once I was
decent, the Keller’s all came in to see the baby and me. I remember Steve’s face… he was so
happy and so proud. Keith was
tired and maybe a little uncomfortable and sat on the chair near the bed. Whitney and Allie were beaming and
excited to meet their first niece.
I think it was around that time or maybe a little before when Chris
asked me what we were going to name her.
I had told Michael about thinking about the name Sarah a few times while
I was pushing and both of us knew that should and would be her name. When Steve and Laura found out they
were speechless. I don’t think we
understood what that meant to them and the whole Keller family, we only felt
honored for the privilege to name our daughter after a family member who had touched
so many lives with her love and testimony.
It was soon after that
that I could take Sarah and try to nursing for the first time. I didn’t feel pressure for it to work
right away because of what I had heard from other moms- it can take time for
both you and the baby to learn how to breast-feed. Miraculously, it worked right away. To be able to successfully nurse her at
the beginning was a tender mercy from the Lord because after that day it didn’t
happen so easily for a while. I
needed that time though, that connection with this human I had carried for nine
months and then felt as if I would give my own life to allow her to enter this
world.
The room was
warm. I was surrounded by people
that wanted that child almost as bad as I did. My dad took some pictures. My hair was crimped from being in braids before and my face
had traces of the makeup I put on the day before. My skin was barely sun kissed and my cheeks were rosy from
the physical exertion.
I felt more beautiful than I had ever before. I believe I actually was the most beautiful I had ever been
because I had finally experienced giving everything I had for someone
else.
If only I could learn
from the me that gave birth to Sarah that cool summer morning and remember
every day that true beauty and joy comes from giving, serving, loving and
sacrificing… all willingly and even gratefully.
Here's what I wrote a few weeks after her birth:
To be totally honest, I’ve forgotten a lot about the
birth. All I know is that I feel
honored to have had the birth experience that I had. Everything went perfectly and the end, when Sarah was
finally on my chest and Michael and I were just smiling, laughing and crying, was
magical. I was so happy. It was as if every bad or sad or
horrible experience I’d ever had was swallowed up in the
wonder/perfection/bliss of having a child- of having Sarah. I don’t know if I would have felt that
way if I had had a hospital/epidural birth*, but I’m sure glad I did it like I
did.
*I’m sure that eventually I’d have felt this way but what
I’m grateful for is that I could feel it during
the birth and right after.
Thanks for reading my story. Every mother has her own birth
story. I am grateful that my first is a positive story and hope the rest are
similar to it in that I do all I can to be healthy for me and the baby and to
prepare myself to bring my child into the world in the most natural and healthy
way possible. I’m not anti-hospitals/epidural…
I’m just pro-healthiest way for you and your baby.
If you have questions I’d love to answer them. Good luck to you if you’re
expecting. Being able to carry a
child and give birth is one of the many blessings from such a loving Father in
Heaven.
Class I took: "Birth From the Heart" by Erika Ribary, North Bend, WA
Books I read: Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin & The Bradley Method by Susan McCutcheon
Book I will read before next birth: HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing by Marie F. Mongan
