Hiking in OK

If we kept our eyes on the ground, it felt like we were in southern Utah, hiking its red rock. Although it's considerably smaller than UT and WA hiking, it was a really nice getaway and a good reminder how beautiful this earth is that we are so blessed to live on!

4 Steps to Avoid the Deep Depression

It's not uncommon for me to feel like i have no purpose every once in a while.  Although I know exactly what incredible purposes I do have, the feeling of floating through this life and not accomplishing anything worthwhile occasionally creeps it's way into my mind and fills my whole self before I can stop it.

And now I want to write about it.

It seems useless, almost weird, to write about something that's not true but only felt.  It's true that I feel it, but the feeling that leads to a belief is false in and of itself.

But this almost completely defines my experience with depression.

When I am depressed I believe things that aren't true.

I believe that I have no beliefs.  That my beliefs I profess to have aren't strong enough to be real, and are even ridiculous.

What's saddest is what I believe about my worth.  Because I don't believe I'm worth much, I believe I don't deserve much.  I definitely don't deserve to be happy and I definitely don't deserve the husband and daughter I have.

Years of counseling and psychiatric sessions have taught me some very important tools to stopping the affects of these lies that I sometimes believe.

1. The first step is to recognize the negative/false thoughts/beliefs I am experiencing.

I may think, "I'm such an idiot" or it may be more serious, like, "I am worthless."   Most often it's, "I'm fat, ugly, don't deserve my handsome and hard-working husband and I'm scared for my daughter to grow up and see how messed up I really am."

Now, don't worry, I'm not telling myself this very often.  But, even one time a month (or one time a year!)  is enough to take precaution.

2. The second step is to reverse the negativity and lies with positivity and truths.

This is my favorite part because, contrary to what you may think, it's not as healthy to feed myself a slew of compliments as it is to face the facts.  These facts are what save me because they're real and what I need most in these moments is to come back to reality.

Lets go over some of the facts I can remind myself in these bad times:

It's not the end of the world.

Everything is going to be OK.

I'm not perfect and I'm not supposed to be, in fact, nobody is perfect!

God made me and loves me.

God has a plan for me to be happy and wants me to follow that plan.  He's even sent and sacrificed His own Son so that I can change and improve to be like Him someday.

I can do better tomorrow.

These are just a few.

2.5 Another part of the second step is getting to the root of my worry/sadness.  Lets say I am sad because I feel fat, maybe I ate too much at dinner. (For those of you who have never felt intense depression, it can be something as little as overeating for one meal that sets you off to a deep depression, but I'm talking about how to stop it before that fast downward spiral begins). So, I ate too much at dinner and I feel fat... So, what?  I'm worried of how I look for my husband because he might think I'm fat... So, what if he thinks you're fat?  Then he won't love me as much... So, what?  Then I'll be alone... So, what?  I don't want to be alone, I won't even love myself.

Maybe THAT'S my problem, then.  Instead of the big deal being that I overate, what really bothers me is how I feel about myself and my actions.

3. The next step is admitting the facts, in this case it's that I'm unhappy with how I'm treating my body by over-eating.

4. And then, finally, I can make a goal on how to avoid the action that led to the bad thoughts and feelings.  Maybe next time I'll put less on my plate, or I'll follow the rule of putting my fork down between every bite allowing my body the time to send my mind the message that it's done.

In the end, I'm left with a few things:  I know I made a mistake but that the mistake is small and can be corrected.  I have a goal for how to avoid the same little mistake.  I also know that the negative beliefs I experienced about myself were untrue, unnecessary and unhelpful.

Now, with patience with myself and practice, I can conquer the depression before it's deep.

That was just one little example of how seriously sad I and many people I love can get sad so quickly.

My last step in conquering these bad feelings is writing about.

Thanks for reading and I really hope this helps someone else :).

Last Journal Entry in my Written Journal

I just finished another journal, this was the last entry in it:

I feel like my life could be defined in waves of feeling "up" and "down".  I'm up and confident and productive and then I'm down and feel beaten, insecure, and idiotic.  The challenge is to turn to Christ in both the crest and the trough of the wave. When I'm up I acknowledge His wisdom and power in making me better and when I'm down I do the same with faith He'll lift me up again. 

Excited to start a new journal!

better

Yesterday was hard again, but better.  I am already seeing results.  I slept better last night and woke up feeling really good.  I handled Sarah's crying and messed up sleeping schedule way better than ever.  I spoke Spanish really well with the missionaries- probably not related to my eating but what the heck.  I feel more calm and confident knowing I'm doing something very hard and have kept my commitments almost perfectly.  WE ARE SAVING MONEY- those snack foods I was used to are expensive! I'm getting SO MUCH MORE DONE.  I ran 2 errands yesterday that I'd been want to run for weeks.  I'm writing again, which I've been wanting to do more of for months.  Life is just better.  I'm so glad!

It's been so nice to have the support of family and (Facebook) friends through the Commit To Be Fit! Beachbody Team.  When I want to complain I can go there and vent and there's a good chance that someone else has been through the same thing.  I have a member of my family calling me every day of the week to ask me how I am keeping my commitment to the P90X portion plan to help me remain accountable and have something to look forward to.  That's helping a lot and makes me love and appreciate my family even more.

I am only 3 days into this and have learned so much.  Here's to the next *28 days!

*I am doing a month-long portion plan as a goal to accomplish before a big family vacation the end of August.  Ideally I'd do the whole 90 days but I have a fear of too much commitment to something I think will be too hard so I've committed to 31 days and we'll see what I can commit to after that!

Photo taken in 2010 by H and B PHOTOGRAPHY

the wall

I'm hitting the wall right now and trying not to keep banging my head into it.  I feel hungry but not really.  I feel tired but not really.  I feel frustrated and limited.  I want to eat those chips but not really.  I want this to be easier.  I want it to be August 22nd.

I started the P90X portion plan today and it's not easy- of course it's not!  It's a big change (well, big enough for it to be difficult) from the norm for me.  I'm home a lot and often snack.  I snack when I'm hungry, when I'm bored, when I'm frustrated.  Now, if I want to keep my commitment to myself, I can't do that.  I have to fill the time with something else.  I was just laying on the floor doing some deep breathing to pass the time and that helped a little. 

Today went really well before I hit the wall.  And it's still going well as far as my sticking to the plan but it's just not so easy at the moment.  I bet in a half hour or so it won't be so bad.

It must be kind of like quitting any other bad habit.  You make a plan, are full of motivation and excitement, start the journey, do well at first and then reality sets in and you realize how hard it's gonna be.  But I knew it was going to be hard, this is a CHANGE... and CHANGE IS HARD!

But I can do hard things- I've done many of them- and this one will really pay off for me and for those I love most.  I'll feel better, I'll look a little better, I'll be more confident, I'll feel less guilt, I'll have more energy, I'll have better habits to teach my kids, I'll gain more respect from people close to me, I'll be able to play more and better with Sarah, I'll be more excited to play sports with Michael, I'll feel better about my future, I'll feel better when I'm pregnant again someday, I'll have an even better experience delivering my baby, I'll have more time to do important things, I'll be a better visiting teacher, I'll be a better cook, I'll be a better friend.  I'm sure there is more, too.

Anyways... this was one of my outlets I planned to turn to when it got hard and it's still hard.... my tummy is grumbling and Michael is snacking on yummy food.

I'll figure this out, my body will adjust, and it won't be so hard tomorrow, hopefully.

First thoughts on Oklahoma

Can't see the end.
The feeling I get when I look at the horizon of green fields spotted scarcely with bushy trees is new.

It's not a sad feeling.
At first I thought it was a somewhat intimidating feeling- like the security of the mountains that have always surrounded me is gone.

But then I quickly realize its not a bad feeling, it's just a new feeling.
A little exciting and a little overwhelming.
So much earth I haven't ever seen, so many people and places I've never known.

It's a humbling feeling.
And I like it- mostly.
I think I'll be ok here.

The familiar daily routine I've come to appreciate and relish will be gone- at least temporarily- until I adopt one here.

Yeah... I'll definitely be ok here.

writing

All of our stories are important, and some of us write them down.

One reason being a mom is totally worth it.

I just finished reading this article and felt like writing about last night.

Sarah woke up crying every hour and a half with painful gas after putting her down for the night. I decided to sleep in her room (there's a bed in there, too) because I was tired of going up and down the stairs and frankly worried I was going to fall down them because I was so exhausted. After I fell asleep in her room, she started waking up 20-30 minutes after I put her down.

After that I decided she'd sleep with me. Because I can nurse her while lying down, and nursing helps her stay calm, I actually got a couple hours of sleep in a row.

This morning I thought she might need a blessing and asked my husband what he thought. By the time I asked him Sarah was cooing and happy. I then realized it was me that needed a blessing. He lay his hands on my head and gave me a Priesthood blessing of comfort and counsel. I was reminded to pray for help in caring for Sarah and blessed that I'd be able to recognize the answers to those prayers. I was blessed that I could rest sometime that day to make up for the night before. I was reminded how much Heavenly Father, Sarah and Michael love me.

After taking Michael to school, Sarah went down for her morning nap which she miraculously took very well! That meant I had a great 2-hour nap myself. Thank goodness! (Actually, thank God, literally.)

Although last night was difficult it did have its "kairos" moments. That's what Glennon Melton calls the times of your day that are heavenly- when time stands still. I'd say I had a couple of those. Like, in the middle of all her crying I sat her on the bed, me at the side of the bed on my knees helping her sit up, and she started to smile and coo.

Or when I was laboriously walking and rocking her writhing body and slowly her cries got softer until she was completely asleep on my shoulder- her arms and legs hanging like tired branches off a tree. I looked in the mirror at her sweet and exhausted face and experienced kairos.

I love that girl. I can't wait for another kid (we're not pregnant). Melton is so right on, it's hard being a parent, being a mother, but oh do those moments of sheer joy looking at your baby learn, experience something new, gain sustenance from your bosom as they nurse or just stare into your eyes make it way more than worth it. Does she know what she does to me when she looks me in the eyes like that?