The Light Inside

THE LIGHT INSIDE

I walk outside and the sun hurts my eyes.  I have to walk to the mailbox with them half closed but my head still hurts from the bright pavement I look down on.

My apple tastes cool and I’m grateful for the natural sugars it gives my blood.  Why  am I down?

Would the sun not be so bright if I were lighter inside?

How come it takes me so long to walk outside?

A pool a walk away.

A TV mounted to the wall.

Food in our pantry and friends on the screen.

That’s what this is... a dimmer.

Light pushes, slams, forces its way into my body and the darkness is overwhelmed.  

I wish it lasted,

A relationship that I can touch means almost nothing but those that are out of reach I long to be touching.

Is this his biggest trick in the book, make good things seem empty?

Because when I feel like this it’s the bad things that I want to do so I can be full- eat, watch, read, skim, stalk, envy, wish, self-hate, embarrassed, sad.

Am I giving life to death when I write the truth or would it be more dangerous to cover the pain with dishes, laundry, fake smiles and empty words.

It’s crazy. The things that keep me alive are all things I can’t even see. Well, one of them I can.

She is here because of me and the man I chose.

She helps me forget the darkness I dread will return.

Her needs come first and my selfishness drowns in her bubble bath.

I can work, smile and laugh sincerely when she’s around.

But, it doesn’t seem right.  To put my whole life in her hands.  I must be able to face this world and on my own two feet stand.

I’m grateful for the reprieve but I promise- for her, him and mostly for me- to use my time to find the ground and welcome the bright pavement more and more.

And, someday I know that when I walk outside my head won’t hurt from squinting because the brightness will match the light inside of me.