Inside my mind when I'm depressed

I wake up and get dressed and "feel" fine so far. I even have a little hope for the day and how it will turn out despite the last few days of mostly struggle to feel normal and act normal.

I get to go in and snuggle with my girls as they wake up, one of my favorite things to do. They reach for me and hug me and I am happy to give them love back... for now, I think because they're quiet and they're moving slowly and gently.

We all make our way to the kitchen where I offer to make them each toast.

Fast forward about 20 minutes. I realize I haven't paid a toll fee from driving through Texas and so I start the automated process on the phone and see that Mia has left her chair at the bar and left almost all of her toast uneaten.

I want her toast, it's from my homemade bread and I've told her so many times that she needs to stay at her seat until she is done and if she leaves then she may lose her food to Sandy or me.  So, I reach over and eat her toast as I key in my invoice number for my fee.

She comes in seconds later, sees her toast is gone and starts whining and crying for it.  I hang up because I can't do both, I'll do it later.  After talking to her about why her toast is gone I must have felt some guilt because I told her if she asked kindly I would make her a new piece of toast.

While it was in the toaster I move to the laundry room which is in sight of Mia at the bar. I start switching the load to the dryer and hear the toast pop.  She tells me her toast is ready and I tell her "just a minute" and then she begins to whine louder because I haven't started walking to the toaster yet.

I hear that whine in the middle of changing the laundry, knowing that I'll be done in a matter of seconds and my body wells up with energy that I feel I have to let out. It's in my stomach and my shoulders, then my neck and then it comes out my mouth as I raise my voice to say "NO!" or some one-word loud answer, I don't even remember what I said.

I knew I was taking advantage of my "bigness" to punish Mia.  Her face squished together, turned red and tears starting coming as she began a big cry.  I had no sympathy in me even though it was my outburst that led to her scared and insecure feelings.

I buttered her toast, cut it in half and push it across the counter to her general area before I walked out of the room.  She was still crying and expressed no interest in the toast.

I walked back to the hallway and briefly considered asking Sarah to sit with Mia because she was sad and then remembered all the times that Sarah has tried to comfort Mia when she wanted me and knew that wasn't a good idea.  Mia was yelling,  "Mama! I want Mama!" in between sobs.  I hid behind the wall, deciding if I would be able to be there for her or not. I took a leap of faith and went into the kitchen and sat by her and looked at her face. Still all bunched up and red and now her cheeks were wet and her green eyes sparkled with the pool of tears waiting to spill over. She cried again, "Mama, I want Mama."

In that moment I felt like an imposter. I'm not going to be able to help her, I've just upset her and I'm just going to keep disappointing her. She would be better off without me is what I thought.

The instant I thought that last thought I recognized what was happening. I was thinking things that were lies. I decided in a split-second to not believe the thought and put my arms out to take my daughter into them.  She came quickly into my arms and I held her tight while her precious head rested on my shoulders and her little strong legs wrapped around my core.  I felt so much love for her. I felt a little relief from my negative thoughts and knew it was best I was there to hug her and talk to her and apologize for yelling.

After hugging, she pulled away from me and looked at me and said, "I want Mama." again which I thought was ironic and telling. She had me physically but I still wasn't completely there mentally.

Now, I'm exhausted. The girls are watching their tablets and I was listening to a book when I realized I wanted to write this down. I wanted to give you a glimpse of my experience when I'm depressed.

It doesn't make any sense at all to me why I experience this so I can't expect others to understand.

This amount of depression for this many days in a row (about 5 as of today) is very rare for me. I am seeing a counselor 1-2 times a week right now and have told friends in all of my circles. 

I know I'm experiencing this for a reason, I feel glimpses of immense gratitude that I go through this so I can empathize with others.  And if you want to, send me a text or a message just to see how I'm doing.  It's most helpful and comforting when someone cares enough to ask how I am and then lets me just talk or write what I want in response. Thank you!

My husband

This is on my mind often. The fact that I chose to marry Stephen Michael Keller almost 10 years ago and the incredible, beautiful, surprising joy that has come from that decision.

We met on a blind date after my parents and his grandparents had lunch and "Nana" called Michael with my phone number and a directive to call me.  We liked each other instantly and I wanted to kiss him on our first date. He waited almost a month to kiss me, one of the first of many gestures of respect towards me from him.

On that topic I want to write. How this guy has shown me respect in the most unexpected way.  I want to sum it up in a couple words and I'm not sure how to do that so I'll just keep writing until I figure it out.

When I'm confused, sad, lonely, frustrated, scared, anxious, embarrassed, or mad Michael expects me to make myself feel better.  He will physically be there, listen to me and look at me when I'm talking, hug me when I ask him to (it's OK to need some prompting sometime :)), offer suggestions when I ask for help and support me in any way I choose to move forward, BUT, he will not try to fix my situation and he will not try to make me feel better.

You may have guessed that this perplexed me at first- it bothered me and sometimes infuriated me- that he wouldn't "mirror" my emotions and be anxious for me to feel better! After all, that is what I learned meant someone cared- but now I know that's not always (or rarely) best.

Now, in our 10th year of marriage it's one of the things I'm most grateful for to him. That in the face of a problem his partner is experiencing, he has the humility, wisdom and respect to let me figure it out.

A lot of my confidence  can be traced back to this practice of his and my subsequent experience learning to confront and manage my own emotions, thoughts and actions.

It has inspired me to be an empowering spouse like he is and avoid the nit-picking, nagging and trying to "fix" him.  When I express confidence in his abilities and allow him to learn from his own mistakes he actually does the most growing, has the most joy and is then able to be his best self.  Which, in the end blesses our marriage relationship too.  Same goes for our children and how we empower them to figure things out.

Thanks for letting me share something so dear to my heart, something that literally has kept me up at night in tears of gratitude.  I hope it inspires you to recognize the good in your family and friends and have confidence in them and yourself.

just do it

I compose sentences in my mind all the time. When I'm in the shower, when I'm trying to go to sleep, when I experience something that teaches me something new, when I'm outside and see something beautiful- I go into writing mode and think thoughts that I hope if written down would serve as a beautiful memory of what I was experiencing and maybe even inspire someone else in some way.  As you may have already noticed, I'm no expert on grammer and punctuation and even though I studied journalism in school, much of what I learned has escaped me by now. But, I still have a passion to write. And, so, since school I've written some blog posts, some lengthy Facebook/IG posts, letters, thank you notes, and a lot of journal entries. I've also started a few essays hoping to submit them to our Church's magazine and never followed through.  Now I've decided to just write, hence the title to just do it.
Here are some things I've written about in my head and plan on writing down here on this blog this year.

-my network marketing experience
-homeschooling
-CrossFit
-finance lessons and goals
-taking things personally
-marriage
-motherhood
-faith
-traveling
-communication
-patience
-thought-work
-reading
-stuff (like stuff we consume and accumulate in our home)
-forgiveness
-grace
-miracles

Those are just from the top of my head.  I just wanna be clear that I'm doing this for me and I'm also excited at the thought that maybe a few people will be inspired by what I write.  But, to be honest, I've learned that even if nobody reads or likes what I've written that it's just as valuable as if a million people read it and like it.  It's from my mind and my heart and that's amazing.  It's amazing because it feels so good to write. It's amazing because it's me and there's no other me. It's amazing because I've been gifted with a brain that thinks deeply about a lot of stuff and writing, sharing and connecting make me feel alive, loved and hopeful.

I'll see you next time I write.

Minta