Inside my mind when I'm depressed

I wake up and get dressed and "feel" fine so far. I even have a little hope for the day and how it will turn out despite the last few days of mostly struggle to feel normal and act normal.

I get to go in and snuggle with my girls as they wake up, one of my favorite things to do. They reach for me and hug me and I am happy to give them love back... for now, I think because they're quiet and they're moving slowly and gently.

We all make our way to the kitchen where I offer to make them each toast.

Fast forward about 20 minutes. I realize I haven't paid a toll fee from driving through Texas and so I start the automated process on the phone and see that Mia has left her chair at the bar and left almost all of her toast uneaten.

I want her toast, it's from my homemade bread and I've told her so many times that she needs to stay at her seat until she is done and if she leaves then she may lose her food to Sandy or me.  So, I reach over and eat her toast as I key in my invoice number for my fee.

She comes in seconds later, sees her toast is gone and starts whining and crying for it.  I hang up because I can't do both, I'll do it later.  After talking to her about why her toast is gone I must have felt some guilt because I told her if she asked kindly I would make her a new piece of toast.

While it was in the toaster I move to the laundry room which is in sight of Mia at the bar. I start switching the load to the dryer and hear the toast pop.  She tells me her toast is ready and I tell her "just a minute" and then she begins to whine louder because I haven't started walking to the toaster yet.

I hear that whine in the middle of changing the laundry, knowing that I'll be done in a matter of seconds and my body wells up with energy that I feel I have to let out. It's in my stomach and my shoulders, then my neck and then it comes out my mouth as I raise my voice to say "NO!" or some one-word loud answer, I don't even remember what I said.

I knew I was taking advantage of my "bigness" to punish Mia.  Her face squished together, turned red and tears starting coming as she began a big cry.  I had no sympathy in me even though it was my outburst that led to her scared and insecure feelings.

I buttered her toast, cut it in half and push it across the counter to her general area before I walked out of the room.  She was still crying and expressed no interest in the toast.

I walked back to the hallway and briefly considered asking Sarah to sit with Mia because she was sad and then remembered all the times that Sarah has tried to comfort Mia when she wanted me and knew that wasn't a good idea.  Mia was yelling,  "Mama! I want Mama!" in between sobs.  I hid behind the wall, deciding if I would be able to be there for her or not. I took a leap of faith and went into the kitchen and sat by her and looked at her face. Still all bunched up and red and now her cheeks were wet and her green eyes sparkled with the pool of tears waiting to spill over. She cried again, "Mama, I want Mama."

In that moment I felt like an imposter. I'm not going to be able to help her, I've just upset her and I'm just going to keep disappointing her. She would be better off without me is what I thought.

The instant I thought that last thought I recognized what was happening. I was thinking things that were lies. I decided in a split-second to not believe the thought and put my arms out to take my daughter into them.  She came quickly into my arms and I held her tight while her precious head rested on my shoulders and her little strong legs wrapped around my core.  I felt so much love for her. I felt a little relief from my negative thoughts and knew it was best I was there to hug her and talk to her and apologize for yelling.

After hugging, she pulled away from me and looked at me and said, "I want Mama." again which I thought was ironic and telling. She had me physically but I still wasn't completely there mentally.

Now, I'm exhausted. The girls are watching their tablets and I was listening to a book when I realized I wanted to write this down. I wanted to give you a glimpse of my experience when I'm depressed.

It doesn't make any sense at all to me why I experience this so I can't expect others to understand.

This amount of depression for this many days in a row (about 5 as of today) is very rare for me. I am seeing a counselor 1-2 times a week right now and have told friends in all of my circles. 

I know I'm experiencing this for a reason, I feel glimpses of immense gratitude that I go through this so I can empathize with others.  And if you want to, send me a text or a message just to see how I'm doing.  It's most helpful and comforting when someone cares enough to ask how I am and then lets me just talk or write what I want in response. Thank you!